Occupy

He occupies my mind.  The weeks have passed, yet he occupies my mind.

Not with malice nor bitterness.  The opposite in fact.  I find myself gazing off into the distance yearning for his touch, his embrace. His kiss.

My mind flickers back to the short lived moments together, in particular, that last night.  I replay him flopping on the couch, hot and sweaty, and casually stating “I love Grand Designs”.  I replay how my heart fluttered when I realised he wasn’t being sarcastic and notched it in my mind as another thing we had in common.  Another parallel; symmetry.

My mind flickers to us lying in bed that night, my eyes full with adoration.  I felt it on my face and knew I wasn’t hiding it well.  I lay staring into those brown eyes, memorizing the length of each lash.  He caught my adoring and looked away.

I replay all the things that won my heart… The embraces, the thoughtfulness, the sweet messages.  I replay it all and over think it all.

I dissect how it could be that I fell so hard and fast for him in such a short a time that has left me a month since seeing him yearning for his embrace.  I dissect how it is that we are reduced to me logging in to see if he’s moved on.

And that’s the hardest part.  I think he has moved on – his sentiments for me not as sincere as first thought.  Else why would he not seek to see me;  to reconcile.  In my mind, if he did actually feel for me as he said he did, then would he not have just arrived at my door and said “I’m sorry for the miscommunication – I’m head over heels for you.”

Would I have not done the same?  I would have.  I’ve toyed with the idea of just arriving at his house – an awkward move when you’ve not been there before and aren’t even sure of where it is he lives or with whom.

I used to be so sure, able to see with such clarity someone I was meant to love and be loved by.  I don’t know why it is I got this one so wrong.  But I can see with perfect 20:20 vision our future – see us heading to the beach for a day together; walking our dogs; BBQs with family; snuggled on the couch watching dvds.  I see all the mundane with him and more.  He fit.

Yet despite the fit, he pushed me back and withheld like those before.  I panicked and could only  hear my inner monologue:  ”I don’t want to do this again – be in love with someone who is forever testing and conditioning my love.”  So I set him free like I thought he wanted – cause it clearly wasn’t me he desired.

So I guess it just leaves me to accept that he and I were not meant to be;  that despite that I love him and yearn for him, it’s not what he wants.  No reconciliation to be had, no last goodbye.

… I don’t give my heart away with ease; don’t let people past my boundary wall.  And right now, close to my heart is where he remains.  Slowly I’ll push him back past the boundary wall, but until then thoughts of my head on his chest as we fall asleep occupies my mind.

Yep.  He occupies my mind.

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