My Ginger date

It’s 2am. I’m in Melbourne laying beside my Ginger, listening to him breathe deeply as he snoozes. I can’t sleep. In fact I’m wired and emotional. I think it’s the knowing that this isn’t reality but a joyous 14hr high; a taste of what I actually want.

This is what I want.  The thought scares the fuck out of me but also leaves me laying here with tears.  This is definitely what I want.

Today was an idyllic date – one of our few where we behaved as lovers would.   We strolled around Melbourne hand-in-hand and jumped ticketless onto trams to save our tired feet.  First stop,  I dragged him into Koko Black for gourmet Belgium chocolates and coffee. When our coffees arrived, he pushed his over in front of me so that I could photograph it.  He didn’t say a word just pushed it in front of me expectantly but patiently.  I’m not sure if he saw but I blushed – it was disconcerting to be with someone who knows me that well.  Someone who is just instinctively and without hesitation giving to my needs and happy to nurture my quirks.

Later we strolled past a dress store where there were three dresses displayed in the window. I quipped “oooh I like that dress!”.  He knew which one I meant, but more than that, he replied  ”mmm it’s nice but bit too green for you”…  We entered the neighbouring dress store where he slapped my hand playfully for daring to eye a dress that was in all the wrong colours for me.  Together we eyed off jewelry.  Secretly my heart swelled – he has such lovely taste and dresses me well.

Our evening date cumulated with a casual but perfect dinner of vegie burgers, fries and cheap wine.   I’ve not felt as in love as I did in those moments… even the waft of sewerage and garbage from the nearby alley didn’t dampen my beating heart.  As we noshed, he whispered sweet erotic nothings into my ear, arousing my senses.   As we waited to steal another tram ride, he pulled me close and under this jacket, slid his hand down my jeans and heightened my arousal in the broad daylight of Flinders St.

He pushes ALL my buttons. He melts ALL my boundaries. He tends to see through me and read me so well that some days I’m left in tears from being confronted. I absolutely adore him and he makes me think about romantic notions such as ‘forever’ and ‘marriage’.  (Ok, the latter is more a sentiment than a need for a contractual… ) 

But here is the catch - he’s still married, still living there with her and slowly dissolving it.  Oh so slowly. To be with him means going through a messy divorce and being some sort of step-mum to his 3 boys who will not like me.  He still has irrational days where denial is his long term solution, especially compared to putting the boys through the short term distress of a divorce.  He doesn’t know why I adore him, why I’m with him, and each day expects me to change his mind. He thinks I’m out of his league; not even in the same ball game.

Yet I’d be somewhat crushed if we split. Instead I live with this internal war where my logic self says “Lou, he’s broken and married and Omg, it’s so messy! It’s almost been a year, how long will you wait?”  and the heart self which has me going gooey over his deep brown eyes and long lashes.

I love him, no question, and to walk away or consider the difficulties or obstacles just leaves me rather in a teary mess. It always comes down to the equation of “yeah I’m not 100% happy with the current situation but I’d be more miserable if I stopped seeing him all together”.

So as my idyllic 14 hours nears its close,  it turns out I’m a bit of a romantic, definitely a wearer of heart on my sleeve. But we knew that. This time is different though and I hate not being in control. I hate that I am somewhat powerless. Yeah, if it’s meant to be etc etc, but I have restricted power to make it be.

And I want it to be.  After today, I really, really want it to be.  He has my heart and today was bliss. The only thing that will make today better is the fact that in a few hours, I will wake and the first thing I will see is his beautiful ginger whisker as they rest upon my head.  And I know that I will think ”this is where I am meant to be – this is home”.

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