An eulogy not to be spoken

I don’t believe in a heaven.  I don’t believe in a single entity, all seeing, all knowing “God”.

Life, for me, hasn’t been about a quest to the pearly gates or a better life on the other side.  This is it.  This moment.  This shared experience.  This breath.

I remember a stage in my life where those thoughts overwhelmed me – when the concept of having no purpose to be here but to be here seemed rather pointless.  What difference would it matter then, if i weren’t here?

I remember thinking that in the scheme of the country…  in the scheme of the world… in the scheme of the universe…  what does my life here mean.  Anything?

I remember that emptiness well.  That feeling of walking into a crowded room, surrounded by a sea of people yet feeling so very alone.  Disconnected.  A hollow that just wouldn’t fill up no matter how wide the smile or sincere the laughter.

I also remember the day that that feeling receded.

He was such a scrawny baby;  all limbs and no chubba.  I’d sleep with him curled in my arms, his tiny frame protected by my looming body arched over and around his.  We were inseparable – he was always my little right hand man.

It’s through his life that I finally understood what this journey is all about.  There may be no grand scheme to it all, no heaven or hell, no man in the sky dictating my path and purpose.  My life as a single unit probably has little impact to the world let alone the universe.  But to my family…  to this little babe I held in my arms, with his golden hair and cheeky smile, to him, my impact is huge.

And at the end of the day, I think that family is all there is – the rest are just extras in a film.

This life we lead, no matter how complex and brutal, it’s just a series of moments strung together by our somewhat dodgy memories and our capacity for love.

My son didn’t know why he was in this world.  I do.

He was here  to grow into a loving adult; person of insight and a pillar for change.

He was here to give love to another and be loved by them, and eventually have a child so that as he held his baby in his arms and loved it unconditionally, he would understand exactly why he is here on this Earth.

He was here so that his friends may love him and respect him for the wit and nurturing soul he was, and in doing so, grow.

He was here so that his sister may love and adore him and look up to him with all her heart and in doing so, know herself better.

He was here so that I may love him with all my heart and in doing so be a better person.

I just wish he knew how important it was that he was here and the irreplaceable gap he’s left behind.

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