August

August 19, 2008 at 10:08 am Leave a comment

Officially the trickiest six weeks of recent times… I have a magazine deadline looming;  a gala awards dinner with 400 guests to coordinate; a national conference with 600 delegates just around the corner.  I am working 50 – 60 hours a week to manage.  Keng is in Ireland.  My maternal grandmother passed away on 12 August.  At her funeral on the 18th, I sit alone – no partner or friend to hold my hand.  The kids are both very sick with a flu that has them convulsing in fevers.  It’s my birthday on the 20 August…

I am stressed.  Work is frantic – it is the busiest work period for me of the year.  The Christmas Sale period of my job. I manage my workload by getting up at 7am, working for an hour or so before getting the kids ready and heading off into the office.   At 6pm I get home, get dinner started and work a little.   I ignore the kids in the evening and get them into bed by 9.  I work from 9 until 1 or 2am.

I am tired.  But with the finish lines in view, I can keep going.  The sleep I am getting is enough to sustain me.  To be honest, I can’t sleep when my mind is full of ‘to-do’ lists.  I feel like I am wasting time.

I am annoyed.   Certain persons are not pulling their weight.  I feel it’s easier just to do it myself than to get repeat the instructions or requests on how to do it.  I believe that as adults, we all have a fundamental understanding of what has to be done and a fundamental moral sensibility to do our share.   I know this isn’t true – but still I believe.

I am isolated.  My support networks are far away.  I have difficulty even explaining the bredth of my current workload at the moment, let alone the additional pressures of raising two kids, running a household, managing my business cashflow…

I am saddened.  My nana has passed away in the midst of this.  I am reluctant to grieve for fear that work will collapse, my mum needs an outlet, and my kids need what shell of me that’s left to keep it together.

I am angry.  My family live in Brisbane – the best I can do to support them through their grieving is via the phone.  From hearing the news to getting a hug, it is 11hrs.  I should be with my family.  I should be more prepared.  Angry at myself for making foolish choices.

I am guilty.  My children are sick, so sick that I attend an Emergency unit at 9.30pm for an allegic reaction.  On the plane up to Brisbane, one convulsed with fever while the other vomitted over and over.  I haven’t spent enough time with them.  I am a bad mother.  Friday, Bella tells me that she wants her daycare teacher to be her mum;  I can be the tree.

I am close to breaking point.

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Entry filed under: Rants. Tags: , , .

Nana Love is…

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