Half-hearted, Half-assed, and Half-baked.

November 6, 2008 at 9:35 am 1 comment

i just wanna put down all the pressures and feel how i really feel

just show me a moment that is mine
its beauty blinding and unsurpassed
make me forget every moment that went by
and left me so half-hearted
cuz i felt it so half-assed

Some days, lyrics pierce into my very being, forcing a wave of emotion that I wasn’t expecting.  They jolt me with such conviction that I have no choice but to take stock and question why it’s resonating.

I am acutely aware of how I feel.  In fact, I would say that my over-active awareness of how I am feeling is a chink in my armour… a pressure in itself.

I think and feel in sprials – feeling a particular way, but thinking I should be feeling another, yet feeling my thinking is preventing my true feeling.  It’s an ongong narrative that only gets louder when I stand still or remove all the pressures.  There, it spiral with greater force, no external distractions to dissipate the cyclonic pressure building.

But for the most part, I am aware of those feelings swirling about, even when I am denying those feelings to myself and others, or struggling to see each emotion clearly as it twirls by.

Removing all the pressures would certainly help with clarity but at what cost?  There is a time and place to reveal, a time and place to express.   I am not sure any of us know how to get the time and place right.  Afterall, is there ever a good time for a cyclone to hit the unsuspecting shore?   Even taking the cyclone back out to sea, the people at the shore still experience rain…

Metaphors aside, I crave a moment that is mine.  I am not sure I would know what to do with it…

Maybe with more moments that were mine, I wouldn’t feel that recent experiences, recent encounters, recent relationships have left me so half-hearted, cuz they were delivered so half-assed.  When did I begin accepting halves?  More to the point, why haven’t I stopped?

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1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Bridget  |  March 21, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    I don’t even know what to write…but wow. I feel half hearted about everything…i don’t really know why? I should feel amazing, i have someone who loves me…but i feel just, numb. I used to feel too much, it got me in a lot of trouble.. People never really listen, they wait for their turn to speak so i guess it is a flaw in your armour… but better than being cold

    Reply

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