Downward day

November 25, 2008 at 11:17 am Leave a comment

The stress of this year is pinching at my spine, my neck to more exact.  Like a bird of prey clasping its victim between tallons as it drags it off, the stress is rendering me paralysed, confused and angry.

I thought the way forward was starting to play out, my cards starting to stack.  But in a single 24 hour period, my house of cards has crumbled and I am left with ‘worst case scenerios’ to console my aching head.

I am tired of turning circles.  I go from feeling like I am on some merry-go-round with views, arguments, days repeating;  to feeling like I am the one turning the grindstone.    Either way, it’s all just going around and around.  Not forward.

I am not even sure what ‘forward’ means anymore. I am so caught in the needs of the next five weeks that it seems pointless to think about a ‘3 months from now’ type of forward…  I have so much to do over the next five weeks that it seems unachievable.

I am not even sure what it is that I am trying to achieve at the moment.  I do not have a new house to move into in 5 weeks time.  I am not sure that I have a job to start in 6 weeks time. I am not sure I can leave this current house in 5 weeks time, or at all.  Yet, somehow I need to summon the trust that moving forward is just on the horizon…

I am not even sure anymore why we need to move ‘forward’?  Technically, turning circles is a continual forward motion…

I find myself wanting the bird of prey to release me from its grip, swallowing me whole or dropping me into the depths.  A moment of clarity before I lose myself.

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Entry filed under: Rants. Tags: , .

Tiring Teachers Cocoon

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