Scar Tissue

November 30, 2008 at 2:28 pm Leave a comment

This week a dear friend buried her ex-partner.  Through that process, demons from the past reared their head, catching her off-guard and bowling her over with their feriousity.  I empathise.

At the time she was with the partner in question, I was in an equally unhealthy relationship.  But the parallels run deeper:  we entered our respective relationships around the time;  were the same age with partners who were considerably older;  tolerated similiar patterns of abuse from our partner;  employed self-destructive habits to cope;  and eventually out-grew and walked away around the same time.

Like I said, I empathise.  But like her, I too have long believed that, for the most part, I had defeated those demons;  or at least come to an agreement. I guess the problem is that for the demons you do defeat, their slain memory is replaced with scar tissue.

On a daily basis, the scars over my body go greatly unnoticed.  Covered by clothes and too insignicant to notice without scrutiny, or less just important than the new wounds, my scar tissue only catches my attention at the oddest of times.

In the same way that I only ever notice the scar on my knee from when I was pushed into a large gum tree by Brad when I was 7 when I shave my legs;  I only ever notice the continued existence of my ex-partner’s negative dialogue about getting fat when I go to scoop my ice-cream.

For the demons I am yet to slay, there is no scar tissue to remind me.  They sit quietly, only occasionally rearing their head until I repress them back to their corner for another day when I have more resolve.  I lie to myself about their impact, consoling myself that their muted prescence is ineffectual, negligible even.

In reality, the demons of my past relationship are at the very root of my mistrust, cynicism, perversion, and guarded heart.  So long as they exist, I will always believe in needing a Plan A, B and C when it comes to relying on other people.  I will always believe that the one peddling the dream is just that – the peddler.  I will always believe that the social norms are outdated, unattainable, unfulfilling, and only through perverting the concepts can some sort of middle ground be found.

While the demons exist, even in their passive state, I will always believe that nothing can shatter your very being like the person you love, and who you believe loves you.

So the day will come where I, like my friend, will be forced to face these unslain demons.   Perhaps by then, through starving them of my attention, they will be feeble and easy to resolve.  Perhaps the time lapsed will allow them to grow stronger, feeding off my emotional memories of events past.

Either way, at some point, I will end up with more scar tissue.


Entry filed under: Reflections. Tags: , , .

Cocoon Pale Light

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