April 19, 2012 at 11:25 am Leave a comment

In  my younger days, I used to boast that I was ok with being alone.  A warrior spirit that could not be tamed.  Too independent for couple-dom;  too deliberate for shared chaos.

In hindsight, I want to believe that this was a bravado to cover my fear of a life destined alone.  That is a hard pill to swallow.

The truth of it is that I do believe I’m destined to be alone.  It’s my fall back position; my mantra if you will for when times are tough and there is no-one else to lean on but myself.  So I’m caught between a paradox – the desire to be loved unconditionally and adored 24/7, and the sensiblity that I’m destined to be alone.

I say sensibility as my pragmatic self likes to remind me that it is easier to be alone.  No emotional waves, no one to let you down, no one to remove some of the burden.  Just you.

Clearly I’ve ridden those waves and been let down before else I would not think being alone was the easier option.  And each time I find myself experiencing the pangs of disappointment and disillusion with thinking maybe someone would be there for me this time, my pragmatic warrior self comes trumping through singing her theme song.

She is such a loud stern bitch too.  Clanging about shouting in my face that I don’t need anyone.  That the only person you can rely upon on in this life is you. So suck it up princess and get on with it.

But tonight I crave the loving arms of someone to hold me tight, allowing me to take refuge.  I crave the nurture that comes with not being alone.  I daydream about how it must feel to not be the sole one responsible and able to share the burden.  I wish for someone to hold the fort and remind me I’m not alone…

And there it pops.  I AM alone.

I have been alone for so long I don’t even know what a functioning relationship smells like, let alone feels like.   I am alone in this…

I’m better off alone in this.

I am just one of those people destined to be alone…

So suck it up princess.  The outcomes are yours and yours alone.



Entry filed under: Musings.

George Francis Graham Teen boys + social media

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